And Sometimes, I Think

Flavor

2008-06-19T12:59:00.000-07:00

I have been mulling over just what I think the flavor of the next decade will be. In the Eighties, we were frequently treated to the tastes of Honey Mustard; in the Nineties, we were overcome with exotically hot Wasabi; and today in the Aughts, we can swing a foot long burrito without covering ourselves in the flavorful delights of Chipotle. So I ask you, just what do you think the new flavor will be? Pommegranate is rapidly appearing everywhere, but is it ready to take on the mantle of Flavor of the Decade? The future, like my labia, are wide open and ready to receive this exciting new adventure for the tastebuds!

What Dreams May Come

2008-05-18T22:16:00.000-07:00

I bet that sometimes while you're lounging in the Kingdom of No Pants (affectionately known by billions as The Internet) and you're reading Top to Bottom, you find yourself thinking, "Pfft! That can't possibly be real! Renita, what perscription medication are you overdosing on this week?" Well, for those of you who demand Truth in comics, behold! Gays can now marry in California. Yes, they could already be domestic partners, but who cares about that? Now they can actually use the word married. I know, I know. In the sleepy mountain town of Toluca Lake, gays have been getting married without question for years!

As a writer of webcomics, like any good Artist, I strive to set the trends that the world will follow. Reading Top to Bottom is often like glimpsing the future, four panels at a time. Just look at the things my cyber crystal ball has predicted:

Cha-Ching has fully functioning motorized arms controlled by thought and now a one-armed woman can finally cut steak, just by thinking about it!

Monica was the unfortunate recipient of a face transplant and now a stupid French woman has an even stupider face!

Klaus discovered Hitler's head in a jar and they actually saved Hitler's brain!

Before you know it, they will discover a vaginal-shaped portal that leads directly to Hell (though, I suspect that is the ending of the new Indiana Jones movie).

Words I Hate 2

2008-04-28T04:08:00.000-07:00

While at a party tonight celebrating the release of sixteen long-incarcerated victims of their own stupidity, I stumbled across another word that has displeased me many a time--so much so, that when it was uttered tonight I found myself cringing enough to incite a blog!

Chicken Hawk.

Okay, that's really two words. Or perhaps it's hyphenated. I don't really know, nor do I care. It's a gay term (serious implications here). Let's face it, the word(s) are designed to put a cute spin on a very nasty practice. I hereby banish its usage as we will now only be using the correct term:

Pedophile.

I refuse to glamorize old men chasing after the young. It's sick and tawdry and not nearly as charming as "Cougar".

The Beat Goes On

2007-05-03T15:21:00.000-07:00

Today while cruising around in my vintage Lotus Elan this morning (a gift from a late paramour of mine who shall remain, like his fondness for gorgonzola, a mystery), I was twiddling the radio dial and happened on the briefest snippet of dialogue that made me see (or is it hear?) red. I believe the DJ was reading a listener-email commenting on police brutality during some sort of recent local public disturbance. They complained, "How dare the police beat the crowd when there were women and children present!"

Where was I when women and children were raised above receiving beatings? Speaking as a woman, all of us are righteous you-know-whats at times and deserve a good throttle, slap up side the head, or a good punch to the ovaries once in a while, as much as any man. And who hasn't wanted to smack a child just because it's Tuesday? Seriously, it is this kind of double standard that keeps vaginas at bay and out of offices of power and we're doing it to ourselves. If we can't get down and dirty in the mud wrestling pit with the men and take a good beating, we have no business complaining about our unfair treatment.

I didn't burn my bra decades ago because my breasts were afraid of the dark.

Words I Hate

2007-04-24T14:54:00.000-07:00

I was listening to NPR this afternoon and very nearly vomited all over my iMac. In retrospect, if I had, it might have improved the computer. What was so wretched that would cause me to, well, retch? I heard a newsman repeat a word I hate. Nay, loathe!

Blogosphere.

It is truly terrible and should be stricken from the lexicon. Yes, this is a blog you are reading, but it is hardly a place for such crap as "personal journalism" and "which retard are you" quizzes. This, like the title says, is "an Internet curiosity for pitiful fools."

To counter such a heinous word, I am leaving you with one that I find most pleasing.

Tintinnabulation.

For those who would like to see it used in a sentence, I suggest finding a copy of Edgar Allen Poe's poem "The Bells".

Listening to: NPR
Mood: Indignantly Righteous

Resolute

2007-01-02T15:31:00.000-08:00

With the New Year upon us it is time I come up with a list of Earth-shattering resolutions. I can hear you asking yourself now though: how can you improve upon utter perfection? Not to worry, it's a very short list!

1. I will never let updating Top to Bottom get so out of control as it did at the end of 2006. There is nothing more important in my life than making my fans happy. Okay, so I lie--making myself happy is the most important, but you come in at a very close seventh.

2. I will stop using the word "fabulous". I'd hate to alienate my gay fan base, but I've never been one to bow down to peer pressure and I certainly won't bow to queer pressure. The word has been over-used, thanks to the spiritless folks at Entertainment Weakly.

3. I will find three new charities to contribute my precious time to and they will not include things like "Finding Matthew a Better Haircut" or "Giving People Coupons to Get Their Backs Waxed".

4. I will be more fabulous. (The last time, I promise!)

5. And I will consider making amends with Martha Stewart. Maybe.

Gastronomic Ennui

2006-12-06T12:31:00.000-08:00

One of the many joys in my life comes from stuffing mass quantities of sustinence down my throat. I love the warm feeling I get in the bottom of my stomach after downing a juicy Polish sausage or devouring the contents of a fish taco. But I have to tell you, Toluca Lake is not where it's at when it comes to fine dining. I'm not talking about the lovely, quaint, picturesque mountain town ficitionalized in Top to Bottom; I'm talking about the actual Toluca Lake in Los Angeles, California home to the late, great comedy legend, Bob Hope. All I'm asking for is ONE good restaurant to break up the monotony of my daily lunches! Is that so much to ask?

Thanks

2006-11-27T14:12:00.000-08:00

I am thankful for cocktail umbrellas, wine in a box, The View, erasable pens, Nancy Pelosi, and of course, my own stardom. What are you thankful for?

Let Them Eat Cake

2006-11-14T11:58:00.000-08:00

I know, I know, I know! I'm still behind on catching up to the current date for the strip, but with all my various world charities helping the poor and poorly dressed and Young Matthew's busy work schedule it's just going to take a little more time to get everything in the present. But in the meantime, enjoy the fruits of a twisted mind: a chemically explosive urnial cake!

Taste Buds

2006-11-10T12:09:00.000-08:00

There was a fantastic piece on NPR yesterday about where we get our sense of taste. Thoroughly fascinating. I just wish I knew what it said about me. I mean, we all know I have exquisite taste but does that (gasp!) mean that subconsciously I feel inadequate and poor and slovenly? And what does it say about my tastes in humor? I suppose you, dear Reader, are as guilty as I, for you read Top to Bottom too. The mere thought sends shivers down my spine.

If you want to contemplate on where you get your taste from, you can listen to the article here: The Psychology of Taste, and Choice. I recommend doing so at your own mental and emotional peril.

Hallelujah!

2006-11-08T14:18:00.000-08:00

What a gloriously beautiful day! And it just keeps getting better with each and every news report. Frankly, it's astounding considering I'm not in any of the headlines, but I'm willingly to concede my fame for one day to celebrate the Democratic win. "Better dead than Red," as they always say.

Phoning It In

2006-11-07T13:35:00.000-08:00

I just had a delightfully painful conversation yesterday with a young (blonde) assistant. She was chattering away about the upcoming season of American Idol and the current season of Dancing with the Stars and I remarked that I did not understand how people can spend an hour on the phone calling in multiple votes for a television program.

"I just love helping someone get something they want and pushing them through to the top."

"Does that mean you're voting tomorrow?" I asked, referring to the state elections.

"No, I only vote where it counts."

This brief exchange was followed by several minutes of moral outrage where I cleary explained why she needs, why she MUST vote, and she replied in her thick Oklahoman accent, "You know what, when they make it so you can phone it in, then I'll vote."

If only Democrats could mobilize like the Claymates...

Costume Drama

2006-11-03T10:27:00.000-08:00

Is it really a costume if you're just wearing a thong? That is the question I asked myself as I walked the streets of West Hollywood on Halloween night. And although it is a town of excess, that does not mean that its lisping denizens are above the natural laws of the universe. A thong is a privilege, not a right--even if you have the cursory gym membership that comes with citizenship to the Gay Mecca. Adding feathers to your person, glitter to your pectorals, or a dash of eyeliner to your peepers does not constitute a costume either, no matter how many back alley liaisons they get you. I myself wandered the busy streets as Nancy Grace. Now that is a costume fit for Halloween.

So it begins.

2006-10-27T12:29:00.000-07:00

Hello darlings! At Young Matthew's insistence, I have decided to try my hands at a "blog". Matty says he was talking to a friend who recommended adding one to Top to Bottom, because people might love to know my thoughts on life, the universe, and everything, and it would help spice up an already sizzling website. Frankly, I'm amazed that Matthew has any friends. I thought his entire life was dedicated to doing my bidding, and how on earth can that leave any time for friends? I suppose I shouldn't really complain; someone needs to take care of the poor lad when I'm off being uncomprehendingly amazing around the world. I would take Matthew with me, but he's put on some weight over the past couple years and what with the new restrictions our timid government has imposed on air travel, he doesn't really fit into the overhead compartment anymore. I'd take the QM2, but Cunard wrote me a nasty letter after the last time I left Matt in steerage and he threw up all over some poor steward. So he shall fight the battles on the Hollywood Homefront with what few friends he has while I work my own personal brand of magic out in the world. And perhaps sometimes, he and I will meet here, amid the vast tidal waves of Immorality known as the Interweb.